Throne vs. Phone

I am sometimes so self-destructive. I force myself into situations I hate. I hang up on people I care about instead of verbally processing and resolving the issue. I say I don't mind when I mind very much. I torture myself with jealous fantasies.

Why? Do I it because I like it? Certainly not. Where does this habit of self- destructive behavior come from? Do I truly want to experience as much pain as possible? Am I trying to punish myself- or others?

The truth of the matter is that I often go 'to the phone instead of the phone'- instead of taking my petty and transient insecurities and worries to the Father I call friends. Boys. I think that they can fill my gaps. This is an utter falsity- the lie that another person, another messy and imperfect person and truly fulfill me and make me whole.

Whenever I take my problems to another person I will always be disappointed. Ultimately my fulfillment must come from He who loves and knows me better than anyone else ever could.

I know this lesson, yet consistently fail to apply it. We may read Exodus, Numbers, Judges and condemn the Israelites for making the same stupid mistakes over and over (WHY don't they just trust the Lord?! His power is so obvious!) - yet the same idiotic patterns are so easily discernible in our own lives. I know my faith would deepen to exponentially if I simply chose not to repeat my mistakes; yet as mistakes I will always make perhaps I shall to resolve to err only in new and interesting ways.